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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
shes_a_sprite @ 1:19 PM.
Saturday, September 25, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:51 PM.
Yeah! I am happy for you as well. :) Friday, September 24, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:06 PM.
Thursday, September 23, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:51 AM.
I think every woman can symphasize with your worries and pain my dear friend. I send you big hugs and lots of them. Monday, September 20, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 10:38 AM.
Wait...Did I miss something? So he smokes and you used to? Or he smokes and you think that is gross? I quit two years ago... and he smokes... LOL! It is tempting, and also gross... I can taste it when he kisses me which is bad, but when he smokes around me I smell it, which is tempting! I see. :) Friday, September 17, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:42 AM.
Ooooh, goody now I can call him the boyfriend with out catching flack! 380?? Don't worry about it; it is always the stupid crap that catches me up too. Try solving a page long problem and realize that you missed a minus sign at the beginning. Hope you get to feeling better, and January is still a little bit off. NO, just cause I inadvertantly used a lable does not mean you can! :) yeah My foot hurts, from kicking myself in the arse all day about the 360/ 380! I am sorry to hear about the migraine, I suffer from headaches too. Everyday I have a headache. Friday, September 10, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:19 PM.
Someone met a boy........ ;) Ok well I hope you are safe during the storm, because i don't know what I am going to do without you and bonnie around for a couple of days. Stay safe and have fun with your new boy!!!!!!! hehehehe Monday, September 06, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:44 PM.
Well, I am glad you are safe. :) Keep up the wonderful work, sounds to me like you are doing a great job. :)
Stress Breaker
Before all the doctor stuff happened, I took a very big step in the current "r" word. While eating dinner at chilies, I told him that I think he is pretty cool, and had this whole upbeat discussion about what I want from a "r" word, and what he wants... blah blah blah, So I might be comfortable saying I have a "b" word here in the very near future.
When I told him about every thing (doctor wise, see Confessions of a 24 Year Old Drama Queen)that was going on he was very compassionate, and surprised me with tickets to the Gator game. He told me he got them for free, but I am not sure I believe him... He of course asked me the night before if I would be interested in going, and I was like "um, Yeah!" I have never been to a gator game.... But I am a lifetime gator fan....
Big step Number Two: He said we would be leaving very early, and he knew that I would be getting off of work late. So he offered to let me stay at his place, rather than drive home after work, and turn around and drive all the way back in the morning. Even said he would sleep on the floor and let me have his bed. I naturally did not kick him out of his own bed, but he was very good in not trying to cross any lines! We rented a movie, and cuddled (I missed cuddling,) and he was just being really sweet because he knew that I was having a rough week. This guy is turning out to be really nice. He knew that I couldn't go there in light of recent events, and he knew that I was not at the level yet anyways, and he didn't push me. We kissed, and even cuddled before going to sleep, but then I slipped over on my side and he stayed on his side and that was that.
One gripe: he snores.... I am going to buy him some ecanasia... But if that is the worst that I have to deal with, Bring it on, I will deal with snoring Any day! The only other real gripe I have is that he smokes. I know that this is weak, but it is very tempting. I took a few drags off his cigarette today... *Bad Me* but it is hard to spend a lot of time with someone, around something that I actually miss, and taste it when I kiss him.... (I know, weak) I should have a lot more control... I will not do it again (pep talk to self, please disregard)
Needless to say, it was a wonderful day! Go Gators... We won 20-3, against Kentucky. It was a morning game, started at 11:30 am.... Didn't leave a lot of time for tailgating... But we made up for it later (when I say we, I mean they drank, while I watched... As I was activated for Emergency call in tonight) I enjoyed the time we spent together, and his friends obviously liked me, as I have been invited to the Florida v. Georgia game in Jacksonville. They have a camper... It is the 30th of October, I think I may just go! Might be fun!
Yep Another Hurricane's a coming! We have been activated... I will have to gripe about this one at a later date... Due to current situations that will be disclosed in the later gripe!
Okay enough already, yall are tired of reading my drama anyways.
Rachel said...
"Transparent Pain"
Dust in the wind,
Where love hath dwelled
Shadows I find
Despair now swells
The glimmer of hope
Descends into darkness
The lump in my throat
Breathing is sharpness
Smiling in the face of adversity
Crying when he does not see
Forever lost that certainty
Left inquiring how to be me
I want to escape this endless hole
That I have stumbled into
It acts as though it owns my soul
Quicksand, strengthens its hold
A mothers loss deeply felt
A childs laughter never heard
Scoff at the hand that life has dealt
Too profound for these mere words
Grief within the heart of mine
Pane of glass, transparent pain
They say it gets easier with time
Slit my wrists, call me insane
Time has not yet healed
These sorrows that I harbor
Salted wounds, how pity feels
This loss will sting forever
I am in a sort of dreary mood, as you might tell from this piece. Do not fret about the slit my wrists line, that was intended to be a response to the easier with time line (right before it) a simple expression of disgust. Because every time you see a child you are forced to think of the what if's... it does not get easier with time. Time does heal a broken heart, but nothing will heal the emptieness that a person feels at this possibility. Nor will it heal the loss already experienced. This just adds to that.
Confessions of a 24 Year Old Drama Queen
Warning: The following text contains information about female proceedings. If you are Male, you may not be able to handle the specific content. Consider yourself warned!
Wow, just when I thought that everything in my life was starting to run smoothly. But hey what would life be without a few bumps in the road.
I received a call From my OBGYN yesterday, for those of you who don't know, I had to have pre cancers removed from my cervix and Uterus approximately a year and a half ago. It was not the surgery that bothered me, but the fact that it knocked the probability of me being able to carry full term (Pregnancy) to 50/50. Then I have to go in every six months to make sure that it has not come back. The last time I had my feet in stirrups, I jokingly asked how everything looks.... (any thing to keep the mind off the embarrassment of the situtation... Ladies you know what I speak of, Men you have no clue so don't even try to sympathize.) He says well it looks like you have had surgery on your cervix, there is some damage blah blah blah, at that time it just went to the Charlie Brown Teacher.... Not what you want to hear
So his office called, while I was at work. I had just sat in dispatch for a few minutes while the Dispatcher went to get a drink. Naturally they couldn't call when I could actually talk to them. They are telling me that it has come back, all the while the firefighters are talking and the police officers are talking, and I am like can you hold on. I felt like one of those time lapse recordings, where my life had stopped but the rest of the world sped up around me. My appointment is TODAY... What does that tell you, you can never get in there in less than a month? So in I go for another biopsy, and perhaps will have the procedure today as well. They do not know if they are cancerous or just pre cancers but either way they have to be removed. I think they should just do it all today, why put me through the humiliation of feet in stirrups twice? Last time he had to take samples from like four different areas, I guess some he cannot see, and if they come back positive then he will have to remove them too, so I guess it makes since to take biopsy and then have surgery... I just want to get it over with! I am really not worried about the surgery, I am no stranger to pain... I would rather suffer any amount of physical pain than the emotional drama I am dealing with now. The what if's that are running through my head...
All I want from life is to be a good mother. I have already lost two of my own, which is the hardest pain to go through. Sometimes I dream of life if I had not lost them, I wake hearing the baby cry, only to realize that it was me crying, and that there is no baby. I know that it was for the better because the Father was an arse... But I can't help but wonder. This brings to surface the loss that I feel for Andrew Lee Norman. My x's child that I raised for two and a half years. I would give anything to hold him in my arms again, to smell his hair, hear his laugh, tuck him into to bed. Listen to him sleep. God I miss that child. He was less than a year old when we got him. I would love to hear him call me momma again. But because I was just a step mom of sorts, I have no rights.
See the drama that this kind of news brings to the surface, feelings that I manage to keep buried and hidden from everyone, have resurfaced, and whatever glimmer of hope that I had has been extinguished. I know that if this makes the whole pregnancy thing a no go, that I can adopt, and I will love them too, but It is not the same as bearing your own child, feeling them grow inside, watching them grow.... I am depressing my self
Issue number two: Just after hearing that news, I was checking my mail on the way into the house, still in shock I think, and I received my rejection letter from UF. Apparently there is not a lot of room in the College of Liberal arts and there were more competitive applicants in the applicant pool... blah blah blah, insert Charlie brown teacher again...
This was just the icing on the cake. I did good for about two minutes, then I hit the floor in my room. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get to my inhaler, I couldn't stop crying. I just watched my entire world crumble beneath my very feet, reduced to dust and blown away. I called my cousin, and I am not even sure I could talk. All I know is that within 10 minutes he was at my door. I just feel kind of numb today. I would love to crawl in a hole and hide for the rest of the week. I definitely don't want to go to the doctor... We bought the movie Jersey Girl, and Mom thought it was a comedy, so we watched it last night... NO! It was a chick flick, all about this guy whose wife dies during child birth, and he raises his daughter.... blah blah blah I was in tears the whole movie. GREAT!
That was probably way more information than anyone wanted, but I really don't care.
Rachel said...
Screw UF, they don't know who they passed up. :) You are amazing my dear! Always remember how amazing you are.
Ever After....
I went shopping, and bought all kinds of movies and clothes, and shoes too... that made me feel better... then I went home and watched movies.
I have a few movies that make me feel better when I watch them, GI Jane, Pretty Woman, Sweet Home Alabama, Two weeks Notice, and Ever After... Last night I bought the movie Ever After, because my video store lost thier copy, (and I have rented it enough times to own it fourtimes over anyways.) I also purchasedThe Prince and Me, Time Line, XXX, Finding Forester, and something else... oh yeah Maverick... I watched The Prince and Me last night...
Why can't life be like the movies? I want to live happily ever after. I have enough drama in my life to consider it holly wood (LOL) but I'll be damned if I see a happily ever after in my future. I am in a shitty mood. I obviously didn't spend enough money.... I am not even looking for prince charming, just a considerate guy...
The guy that I am talking to now... (no labels please) is a nice guy.... I am just in a shitty mood, I wish I could just go to Wal-mart... (Man-mart) and pick one (a man) off the shelf, that would be good spouce, good father, lifetime warranty, Satisfaction garunteed or your money back.... Or I wish I could just fast forward through the getting to know you part, and just be involved in the relationship, a functional relationship.... One where the guy is not a complete asshole that is going to stomp on my heart.
Okay so the guy, the prospect. He is very considerate, he is a republican, he is studying resperatory therapy, and he is nice looking. The one set back is that he smokes... which is very tempting, especially when he kisses me.
I feel so blah~ I still have a terrible headache, and I think this is all I care to type for a while!
Toodles
Rachel said...
shes_a_sprite said...
Rachel said...
Bummer...
Man I am totally bummed! I have had the worst migraine headache for the last three days. It was so bad last night; I drove home at 50 mph because I was seeing double, and blurred. Alas I had a trig test, which I studied soooooo hard for, and I didn’t miss any of the hard questions. But there were 10 True False questions, and I missed four. Get this, I know that a circle has 360 degrees in it, who doesn’t? But I figured, all the ones I missed, at it having 380 degrees…. Yeah I got 180 and 360 mixed up. And what is worse I know that it was due to the medication I had taken for my headache. (It has a barbiturate and a narcotic in it…. )
I now have achieved the lowest grade I have ever made on a test in college this go round, an 88, luckily I have five extra credit points, so it will bring my average up to a 93. (For those of you who don’t know me very well, I am a perfectionist when it comes to school…) I will settle for a low A, but a B is out of the question. What upsets me so, is that I knew the material. I like to start a semester strong, so that I don’t have to stress so hard at the end.
My eyes have been constantly weeping from the pressure in my head. And I would have come in late today, (to work) but I have a meeting that will deal with all of the Hurricane over time. I have had enough of hurricanes to last me the rest of my life! Can you say CLUSTER?
On to the man topic, you know that is what you want to read about anyways. He was very sweet last night, other than teasing me about the whole circle thing. He invited me to stay at his house, (due to my blurred vision) and he said he would sleep on the floor and give me his bed…. I politely declined, I am just not ready for that serious of a step. I did catch my self making a futuristic plan though *gasp* We were talking about chicken and dumplings, and I told him when I get my apartment in January, I would have to make him dinner. (Okay you can breath now)
Then I even made a joke about that implied that I was his girlfriend…. *gulp* When I called him from school last night he asked if I wanted to stop by, and I said “you’ll have to tell your other girlfriend to leave, I am not in to threesomes” AHHHHHH it is a label. So perhaps things are moving in the right direction with him…
Is it January yet?
Larry said...
shes_a_sprite said...
Rachel said...
Good to hear about the guy situation, is he cute? Intelligent? Republican? ;)
I hate to say it darling but the 88 you got might be due to the two jobs you are currently working.
Keep up the good work though, keep on kicking ass!
How dare I say, ass. :)~
On Pondering Things
First of all a warning: Hurricane Ivan is headed this way. It has put my little city, totaling three square miles on a national map... Okay wow, the eye of the hurricane is going to pass directly over us as it is mapped out now. So It may be a while before I am able to post again, depending on when every one spazes out this time.
I felt positively exhilarated yesterday evening in my math class... I am surprised as much as you, trust me. For the first time since Intermediate Algebra, I actually understood what was going on, and was able to crank out answers before he (Mr. Teacher guy) could even finish writing the question on the board. I felt like I had just busted my arse the week before a swim meet, and won the 500 free... Finally, the hard work and dedication to school has returned a positive feeling, and in the midst of hurricane disasters...
Now on to the pondering. There is that guy, you know the one I mentioned a while ago? He apparently picked up on the fact that I can't be pushed (or I'll tuck tale and run) and he seems to be okay with it. I didn't talk to him like the entire time I was working for the storm, was supposed to call him on Tuesday, but we didn't have power, and when it came on finally we were running around like chickens trying to wash all the dishes, and do laundry, and vacuum, and well by the time we finished (I was already exhausted from working like I dunno 9 days strait, three with out even going home) I was whipped. Then Wednesday rolled around, and I got off work late, then did my homework, which took hours (but had good rewards) and I finally called him... And he was okay with that.... I am just floored... Most guys would have been like "you work-aholic. " I mean Before we started "talking" for lack of a better word, we were class mates and study buddies, so he came into the "situation" again lack of a better word (well that and the R word scares me) knowing that I am serious about school, and that I work a lot, and those are the reasons that I had not dated in like nine months (well that and the fact that I am Jaded key up theme song: *hey Ja ja jaded, you got your momma's smile but your yesterdays child to me*) So yeah he seems to have figured out that I have issues... Serious issues....
He is not even pushing me for all of my spare minutes.... He is like call me tomorrow if you want, or hey you could swing by my house after your second job if you want. He was sooo cute yesterday. I got out of the car, and he was waiting for me outside his house, and he was walking up to the door backwards, talking to me, and I asked "did you even remember what I look like?" and he was like yeah pretty, then ran into the column. I was like ohhhhhhh... then we watched a movie, and cuddled (I miss cuddling) and he took me to Firehouse subs for dinner... which was really good! Then I went to class...
I think I could do this, so long as he stays laid back, (at an arms length distance) until I get more comfortable with the idea of the R word... Or until I get more comfortable with the idea of letting someone in, taking the chance that I could fall, actually trusting someone that has testosterone (other than my fastest friend in the whole wide world, you know who you are!)... It is funny, like a few of my more recent relationships it was all about a physical attraction, and This one, though the urge is there, is not like okay lets rush into bed. I am just not ready for that level yet, I can hardly handle the level it is...
I am getting more and more excited about the move to Gainesville! I am going to go buy bathroom stuff this weekend... Perhaps on Sunday, and I want to go see a movie with my cuzz, I miss him so... Since New York, other than work, we have both been too busy to do much of anything... With hurricanes and second jobs, then school.... Anyways I want to go see a movie or something, eat ice cream... Just spend time with him! We got a vacuum.... Yeah, I was obsessed with getting a vacuum... It is a Kenmore bagless.... I am sooo excited. He bought knives, and found a coffee pot... I gave him money for so I hope he got it. It even has a timer.... Maybe if I have enough after purchasing bathroom stuff, I will get my desk too... I dunno... Shopping... mmmmm shopping....
One last topic would Be the mom thing. She has not mentioned once to me how good she is doing in not drinking, (she totally would, if she were proud... I know my mother, she would say I have not had a drink in 2 weeks) the last time she said anything like this was the day I got back from New York. I have called a few times during the evening hours and I could tell that she was plastered. I know how her voice sounds when she drinks, and how her speech patterns change. I also know how she acts when she can't drink, and when I am home when she first gets home from work (and can't drink in front of me, due to trying to keep up the facade of not drinking), she is very edgy, testy, like going through withdraws... Generally she is passed out cold on the couch when I get home, and that is not how she is when she is sober. So there is still that mess... I can't trust her, I don't believe much of what she says... I don't like that feeling. I still love her, she is my mother, I still try to do nice things for her, and since I told her I am moving out, she has improved in the house cleaning, and taking care of herself issues. So at least that is better.
Okay I think that should fill every ones desire for information about my life. Incas I can't update later, or because I haven't updated much lately take your pick... Things are going pretty smoothly, aside from the weather...
Rachel said...
Hurricanes a coming...
Quick every body spaz out! Hurricane Frances is coming! Lets see this is going to be a short one yall... I have been at work pretty much non stop since Friday morning, with no signs of going home for at least another day or so. Worked at the pd all day Friday, then bartended till two am, went home and was back to work the next day at 1400... I don't think it has stoped since then. I brought a coworker home with me that night (well after midnight,) only to return the next day (sunday morning,) and I have not been home since, it is 2255 (Monday night) now, and I wam scheduled to work till about either four or seven pm tomorrow. Of course I will be allowed to take a nap which I am about to do here shortly. I imagine I will knock off around midnight, as I am due back on at 0800...
About 1.2 million people in Florida don't have power, including my Mom's house and my grandparents (who thankfully have a generator.) unfortunately we live out of the city limits so we have a different electric company. I have to hand it to our city crew, though we have all worked hard through this, they have busted ass! Our city is the only one around that has power, and it has been a nonstop battle. A vicious cycle of trees down in powerlines, and just when I think we have it all up and running again another tree goes down. Then every one who has their power out feels the need to call and tell us... People, yes we know... It is called a hurricane. But through it all, the city guys just kept on going, putting line back up, cutting trees down, restoring power just to get it knocked out again. My hat is off to the city crew! Well it is off to the sleeping bag in the chief's office for me and two others.
Sorry I haven't been very internet lively lately. I felt horrible I actually forgot my logon for a sight I joined just before I went to new York... I was like okay I know my screen name was cute, but I'll be damned if I can remember it... No blogs, no PA, no Lyrical Muse, and probably not going to be able to update again for a few days due to serious weather and cleanup conditions, (that and the lack of power at my house.)
Toodles!
Rachel said...
About me
Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
About Me:
Just a woman trying to find her way.
These are the innermost thoughts of me,
who am I? Just read and see.
If I stir in you, any emotion at all,
then I have reached my goal.
Forever me...
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